A Fine Line
My son sat with his soon-to-be bride at their rehearsal dinner listening to stories of God’s goodness through the words of close friends and family. Stories made us laugh and cry as we appreciated the admirable qualities of the happy couple. I had the privilege of being the last person to speak. I read a final entry from a journal I had been keeping since the day my son was born. Sandwiched between my favorite stories from his childhood and my adoration of his beautiful bride, I included these words of advice.
“You will be tempted to try to be all the ‘omnis.’ You will want to love Eli with all the knowledge, protect her with all the power, and comfort her with constant presence. Never forget, she has a Savior who doesn’t have to try and be these things. In himself, he is her everything. You are not called to fix her world so she doesn’t have to struggle. You are called to sit with her and have kind curiosity toward all she senses. You don’t have to remove or absorb her suffering. You simply have to prop her up with prayer and compassion. You are not called to be a savior. But rather you are called to reflect Jesus.”
Every relationship demands loyalty. I recently heard Dan Allender remark,“There is a fine line between loyalty and idolatry”. We all cross this subtle line and often unknowingly. Dan’s words made sense of how I’ve witnessed relationships go sideways. Unmet expectations often create a crevice in a relationship.
We often think we are acting out of devotion. Our actions and perceptions feel like loyalty. But we can slip into self-centered idolatry in an attempt to fix the worlds of others. We strive to assuage negative emotion in those we love. In short, we reject the limits of our humanity and attempt to be God. Or we reject the reality that our loved one has limits that demand space for them to be weak. We wake up one day without the capacity to continue due to emotional and mental exhaustion. We are so filled with the needs of another we cannot make sense of our own sadness, anxiety, depression and pain.
There is only one Being deserving of our complete adoration. Our desire to be admired and adored by our loved one can trigger our fix-it mode. We think our eyes are on our loved one but in reality we are filled with ourselves. We see examples of this throughout scripture. When a false sense of loyalty to another results in devastating disobedience.
Uzzah’s Allegiance
Uzzah was walking the road to Jerusalem behind an oxcart carrying the throne of the one true God. Poor guy is literally destroyed from a failure of obeying God’s instructions in how his mercy seat is to be carried from city to city. I for one would prefer to be caught rather than dropped on Chidon’s dusty threshing floor (1 Chronicles 13:9). However, it wasn’t the bumpy threshing floor or poorly manufactured wheels of the ancient near east that caused things to go sideways for Uzzah.
God has permission to demand all the specifics in His universe. This includes how he was to be carried on long poles and how we honor his worthy prioritization over earthly impulses. God warrants our obedience and he disciplines his children, like Uzzah, to remind us of the importance of seeking him first.
Uzzah was likely motivated by a sincere desire to protect God’s ark. But his motivation was the problem. He thought God’s ark needed him and his unsolicited help. He was trying to save something that he never was asked to save. Though it’s easy to think he was acting out of devotion, God’s immediate punishment reveals that he was ultimately acting from a disobedient overestimation of his own importance.
Uzzah may be an extreme example but it is relevant. We feel like people we love need us to rescue them. But often, our rescue attempts reveal more about us than it does them. This is the point I hoped to impress on my son as he ventured into marriage. There’s a strong impulse from well-meaning young men to fix all that is wrong. Of course, husbands should help, serve, and assist their wives in all aspects of life. I’m not advocating for inaction.
Instead, I’m reminding us that though we are called to serve one another, we are not called (or equipped) to save one another. Instead, in all of our relationships, our presence is often the most important thing we possess. Instead of trying to remove every possible burden, we are often called to walk with others and help them bear their burdens.
My prayer for my son and his lovely bride is to walk together. Like everyone, there will be missteps and potholes along the way. In those moments, it is easy to overestimate, like Uzzah, what you can do. I hope they will have wisdom that drives humble love for one another while allowing the limits of their humanity. There is only One who possesses the power and goodness to right all wrongs. They will be better by looking less to each other and more to Him.